Change The Way You See Fear And Change Your Life

When was the last time you took a risk? Not something major and life-threatening, but something that represented a step outside your comfort zone. Can you recall a time recently when you did something that felt uncomfortable for you? If not, get ready to take a major step forward.

Frequently, in business and in life, we get too comfortable. We find solid ground - a place that feels safe - we get comfortable, and we settle in. We’re programmed to do it. It’s how we operate. Look for safety and stay there. But these days, it’s imperative that we act against our programming to truly succeed and find our own greatness.

What’s holding us back? Ultimately, it’s fear. It’s almost always fear. Fear is the number one reason why people stay in their safety zones. It’s why people don’t start new businesses. It’s why people stop looking for love. But what are we afraid of? After studying fear for several years and working with countless clients who were letting fear hold them back, I’ve become convinced that when it comes down to stepping outside one’s comfort zone, there are really two things at work for most people: fear of success and fear of failure.

Fear of Success

Many people say they have a fear of success. What does this mean? It means that when these folks envision their success, they see the ways in which they’ll disappoint people, the ways they won’t be able to handle the success, the ways they’ll mess up their success… ultimately, I actually believe that a fear of success is a fear of failure in disguise. In my experience, most people aren’t actually afraid of success, but rather of failing after the success. They’re afraid they can’t handle it and they’ll fall much farther than if they’d never tried at all. It’s much more painful to fall from, say, a 20-story building, than it is to fall from a sidewalk curb. It’s the fall from the height of success that we fear, not the success itself.

Fear of Failure

Let’s look at fear of failure, since that’s at the core of what’s holding people back. I’ve recently updated my thoughts about fear of failure. I’ve been reading Seth Godin’s book, Tribes, and Godin has some absolutely profound and brilliant thoughts on the fear that keeps us in our comfort zones. In Tribes, Godin says that there’s a common misconception about a fear of failure. He says that the fear of failure isn’t actually fear of failure at all - it’s a fear of criticism. We’re more afraid of being judged for our failures than anything else.

So now that we’ve isolated this fear of criticism, what does one do about it? How do you conquer the one thing that  gets in the way more than anything else- more than lack of skills, more than lack of knowledge, more than bad luck or anything else you might think of - how do you conquer fear?

How Do You Conquer Fear?

It would be easy for me to say that you just shouldn’t care what others think about you. What they say doesn’t matter, doesn’t define you, has nothing to do with you. I could easily say that. But the problem is that we’re not just subject to the criticism of others when we fail. We still have to face our harshest critic: ourselves.

But here’s the secret most people don’t know. It’s a secret that most successful people know. You don’t actually have to “conquer” fear. You have to master it. Mark Twain once said, “Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear.” Successful people aren’t people who conquered fear, they’re people who faced fear. They’re people who were afraid and did it anyway.

For example, one of the most prevalent, persistent fears people have is public speaking. It’s something most of us don’t do very often and it’s something most of us don’t particularly care for. I’m one of the oddities - I actually love speaking to groups. But like many others I know who enjoy public speaking, I get nervous before I go on stage. My palms sweat, I think about how I wish I’d never agreed to do the gig, and I think of all the ways I can get out of doing it. And then I step on stage anyway, and within a few moments, I’m actually having so much fun connecting to the crowd that I forget all the fear and just live in that moment. That’s mastering fear, folks. That’s what it’s all about.

A part of it is doing something over and over and showing yourself that you can do that thing. That builds confidence and confidence is a formidable tool against fear. Usually we’re afraid of the stuff we’re not very good at. What are you afraid of?  Think about that for a minute and then when you have the answer, ask yourself how often you do that thing.  If you’re not very good at something, you tend to fear it.  If you make a decision to face the fear and forge ahead with courage, you’ll eventually make courage a habit- and you’ll master that fear.

So what’s holding you back right now?  What are you afraid of, and how can you face that fear with courage? Here’s an exercise I give to my clients to help them face their fears:

Take out a piece of paper and a pen and turn the paper on its side so you’re writing across the long side.  Make five columns on your paper.  In the first column, make a list of the things that scare you the most.  Then in the second column, for each of those fears, write down what is the absolute worst thing that could happen if your fears came true.  In the third column, write down how likely the worst thing is to happen.  Then in the fourth column, write down how that fear is holding you back.  In the last column, for at least one of the fears you’ve listed, write down how you are going to face that fear. Make it tangible- give yourself an action to take and a date by which you will take that action. And follow through!

Look, everybody is afraid of something. The most successful people have mastered fear with courage and learned to forge ahead.  Today, make a decision to forge ahead with something in your life or in your business.  Make a decision to face at least one of your fears. Take a risk and get better at something you’re afraid of.  Face a fear with courage and you’ll see payoffs emerging faster than you ever could  have imagined.

One CEO's 12 "Laws of Life"

1.     SELF-MANAGEMENT AND PEOPLE SKILLS ARE THE KEYS TO YOUR SUCCESS AND HAPPINESS.

This is a MAJOR fact of life. And it took me a long time to get this. If you want to be smarter than me you’ll give this first principle serious consideration.  Your skill level in these two areas will determine the quality of your whole life. Every champion and high achiever knows this. These simple skills are the clear difference between winners in life, and losers.

If you learn to manage yourself you can accomplish anything you can dream up. You can deal with negative experiences wisely and you can add skills as you need them. You can become unstoppable. Self management puts you on the launching pad to all the success you desire.

Most people limit themselves by their unwillingness to consider personal change. They won’t learn new things and they won’t change their behaviors even when they discover they’ve been wrong.

The funny thing is, self-change is EASY. You are the one person that you can get to anytime you want. You don’t need permission or an appointment, and no one can stop you from learning and changing whenever you decide to. The only obstacle is you!  Self-management is actually the first step to building people skills.  Once you commit to changing yourself into who you can be, you will notice the people around you in a different way. Now you see them as fellow beings with their own fears and drives. And they will see you with new respect and attractiveness.  You are surrounded by people who can help or harm you, based on how you treat them.  Learning how people work is a skill, just like learning how you work. These people can multiply your efforts and supercharge your success It takes leadership and persuasion skills - people skills.  People skills are like a booster rocket propelling you to your dreams. And the process of succeeding with others can be learned just like you learn to make toast. If you follow directions and practice, you can develop the skills that will make you very happy and prosperous.

2.     YOU ARE AT THE CENTER OF YOUR UNIVERSE. STAY THERE!

As a young sailor I learned the hard way that when I was in a foreign port I needed to take my corners wide and keep my hands out of my pockets. In other words, I had to stay balanced, alert and ready to react to surprises. I’ve found that a lot of life’s situations are like “foreign ports.” They range from the bedroom to the boardroom, and you will encounter them throughout your life.

Keep your balance. Stay centered. Expect surprises.

Being centered has two sides; inner and outer.

Begin within.

Inner centeredness comes first; look there for your best self. It is how you will find peace of mind. There is a place in you that’s connected to something beyond you.  Spending time there will keep your mind clear and your spirit refreshed. That “doorway” is your center.

Until you’re connected to your core you won’t be very good at handling the rest of the world. Few people really get this. It is the single most important and least understood fact of life Your center is easy to find. Every spiritual tradition in history teaches prayer and meditation - it’s the most important thing you can do for the quality of your life. Just take a little break a couple of times a day, and learn to be still and RELAX.  If you give yourself this little time each day you will become calmer, stronger and your physical and mental health will improve. You will begin to focus more on what you think of yourself than what others may think of you.

For outer centeredness, you need to gain awareness of your personal boundaries. This is critical. Pay close attention to where you stop and others start.  Protect your personal prerogatives and respect those of others. Allowing others to invade your boundaries will destroy your personal freedom and subject you to their tyranny.

If you cross the boundaries of others you become codependent with them, caring more about how they live their lives than how you live yours. You can care about others without having to run their lives. Let them go and feel the relief, once you get used to living only your own life.

3.     WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT MOST IS WHAT YOU GET.

There is a Law of Attraction in human nature. What is in your mind is reflected “out there,” in what you experience as your reality.

Afraid? Then all the goblins that you fear will be attracted to you. The only useful purpose of fear is to remind you to plan. Plan so that you protect yourself from harm, but don’t become timid. If you play it TOO safe you’ll freeze in place and trade your life away for nothing.

Angry? Then you’ll get a lot of angry people to tussle with. Your life will fill up with honking horns and people pushing you around, and you’ll spend all your time pushing back.

It’s a good idea to choose your habitual thought patterns carefully.  Love, optimism and gratitude are good choices. These states of mind inspire you to explore, to create, to grow and to give. People and opportunities will become attracted to you. And the goblins and angry people will get smaller and less important, and finally they’ll fade and go away.

The point of choice comes up when you have to deal with a challenging situation. Do you call it a “bad break” - some S.O.B. was out to get you? Or was it just something that happened, leaving it up to you to interpret in the most nourishing way?  You might as well be positive. Bottom line - it works better. It makes you easier to be around and more creative and good-natured. And your immune system will be strengthened.

Events are just events until our thoughts and reactions turn them into experience. What the experience means, how useful it might be, those are the choices that we make -they’re the stories we tell ourselves about our lives.

We’re taught that it’s not ‘reasonable’ to expect to win all the time. Nonsense! That kind of thinking numbs ambition and smothers greatness. Even worse it leads to reasonable excuses. Excuses don’t accomplish anything so do NOT be reasonable.  Actually, achieving the impossible is quite normal - you’ve done it thousands of times.  EVERYTHING you do now was impossible for you before you did it the first time, from feeding yourself to balancing your checkbook.

Try this for a week. Focus on what you want instead of what you don’t want. Practice the skills of optimism, gratitude, generosity and forgiveness and your life will expand.

Yes, that’s right. PRACTICE.

Good attitudes are skills that you develop through repetition, just like swimming or math. And skills become second nature through practice. You will become stronger and more relaxed when you decide that you might as well thrive.  Your commitment to expectancy is another skill, and it’s decisive and magnetic. It attracts luck and creates focus. People and opportunities will be drawn to you. Life starts to get easier. And more fun.

Go ahead and test it. What have you got to lose? The only way you can fail at anything is to quit trying!

4.     YOU MAKE YOUR HABITS AND THEN YOUR HABITS MAKE YOU.

You’ve probably heard the saying, “As you sow, so shall you reap.” It means that our lives are created by what we do, not by what we intend. It means that we can harvest only what we plant. And every day you’re planting something, so choose wisely.

The biggest and most important influences in your life are created by small daily acts.  For example - Meditate, Study, Set Goals, Save Money, Exercise, Floss, Smile, and Say Thank You.

When you do the right thing at the right time it makes more difference than if you make a big dramatic effort too late. Cramming may work in school, but not in real life. The school term is over in a few months; life lasts longer. Days turn into years and those years become your life.

The most important qualities in life - Spirituality, Health, Relationships, Wealth, and Your Personal Character - are developed by regular acts done on a daily basis. They’re called “practices.”

Daily practices - done on schedule. What? Just “can’t do anything on a schedule?” Baloney. You can do anything you want on a schedule, unless you’ve never gotten to a plane on time. It’s a matter of priorities. And your priorities create your quality of life.  Choose the practices of your life as if you were a farmer. You can’t skip spring planting if you want a fall harvest. Master this principle and you will live your life to its fullest.  Changing your life doesn’t take a lot of work - just repeat a single positive act daily for three weeks and it will become a habit. Good. Now add another one. Then another one.  The force of good habits will automatically generate power and “good luck,” and your life will blossom.

5.     GUILT ENSLAVES YOU. RESPONSIBILITY LIBERATES YOU.

Here’s a secret about “Original sin”. It’s guilt, and you get it from your parents.

Are you self-conscious? Most people are. They’re worried that they’re “unzipped.” They’re walking around thinking that people will notice their missing button, their bad hairdo, their poor credit and personal shortcomings.  These feelings are universal - we all got them while we were being taught how to behave as infants (”No!” “Bad!” “Don’t!”).

When we become adults we are supposed to leave these feelings of inadequacy in childhood where they were needed.

The way to do this is to forgive your parents for their shortcomings, whether they were minor or major. And then forgive yourself for all your sins, real and imagined.  Forgiving doesn’t mean that you think what happened was okay. It just means that you free yourself from the work of remembering it and getting mad at people that are not even around anymore. Including the younger “you.” You MUST do this if you want to be free.

6.     “OBLIGATIONS” ARE A FRAUD.

Okay, take a deep breath here. This one gets a lot of people, because most of us have been brainwashed all of our lives to believe a huge lie. We’ve all been taught that we “owe” other people all sorts of obligations, and that we should expect lots of things from them in return.

That idea, in one word, is bullshit.

We waste an incredible amount of time either doing things we don’t want and don’t have to do, or feeling guilty because we didn’t do something we “should” have done. We also waste a lot of time and emotion being disappointed when we don’t get what we expect from others.

Freedom lies in the other direction.

The truth is, you don’t owe anyone anything and they don’t owe anything to you. This is all part of the “guilt” thing. It’s good for us to give to others, but ONLY when and how we choose.

The difference between free people who master their lives and those who are slaves is easy to spot.

Who sets their priorities?

Free people set their own priorities, while “slaves” allow them to be set by outsiders.

Your life belongs to you and you alone - and not anyone else.  Want a formula for unhappiness? Make your welfare dependent upon someone else’s choices. Do you need “support” from those you love? Or approval from a parent or friend? Or permission from anybody to pursue your own path?

That’s not living - that’s slavery!

Don’t look to anyone else for your success or happiness. That’s your job and yours alone. You must tend to your own welfare. No one else will, nor should they.

7.     EXPECT LESS FROM OTHERS AND MORE FROM YOURSELF.

Most people expect way too much from others while they themselves actually get very little done. Inertia and distraction are insidious and damn near universal - expect it in others but guard against it in your own behavior.

Everyone listens to his or her favorite mental radio station - W.I.I.F.M., which stands for, “What’s In It For Me?” So don’t take it personally when you’re overlooked, your call goes un-returned, and you go un-thanked.

Most of your fellow humans are so distracted and disorganized that they only get around to the most essential, familiar or urgent things in their lives. They’re on “autopilot” most of the time - aren’t we all on occasion?

This self-interest is natural and healthy. Use this knowledge of other’s desires in your plans and proposals.

Here’s the big principle. If you want something to happen, take control and do it yourself. Don’t get bitter if perhaps someone else didn’t keep a commitment to help you.

It is a waste of time to criticize others, and a bigger waste to pay attention to anyone’s criticism of you. Just know that you can get better at doing things on your own. It’s a LOT easier than trying to get someone else to change.

8.     NOBODY WAKES UP IN THE MORNING CHOOSING TO BE THE VILLAIN.

Everyone alive thinks that they’re the “good guy.” He or she is the hero in their version of the story. They have a reason for what they do - even if it’s impractical or unworkable or has evil consequences.

People who are troublesome aren’t worth changing. Don’t even waste time complaining about them.

If someone hurts you, it’s not about you and you shouldn’t act like it was. People do what they do because of their own inner reality. Learn what you can do differently the next time, then forgive them and move on.

Really. Forgive them completely. And then, figure out how to manage, tolerate or avoid them in the future.

By the way, forgiving doesn’t mean that you think whatever they did is okay. It’s NOT okay. But here’s the thing - if you don’t forgive someone you can’t ever let it go. Then you have to go around with this burden of anger and sourness.  Wasn’t the original hurt enough for you? Why would you want to preserve it and remember it? Or them?

Carrying grudges ties up brain cells that you could use to make life sweeter for yourself and those you love. So, after you forgive them, forgive yourself for getting hurt - and then LET IT GO!

9.     THERE IS NO “HAPPILY EVER AFTER” IN THE REAL WORLD.

Friends and mates may change or leave, luck comes and goes, and there are no guarantees. The only certainty is that someday your life will be over, and only you can decide how it will be lived. If you want a happy ending you need to create it.  Think about it. When would “Happily Ever After” start?

After you win the lottery? - Most lottery winners are broke within three years.

When the wedding bells ring? - Over half of all marriages fail.

When you retire? - 95% of those over 65 live from check to check.

Stories have to have happy endings, because the story ends before their characters do.

Real life is different. You’re going to live until you die, so you need to have a plan for every day of it.

Choose your goals, write them down, and track them daily. Your life will happen by accident unless you have a plan for it. Either way things will happen to you. On every day of your life, after every climax, every tragedy and every triumph, the sun will rise again.

You get a new day every morning of your life. And as long as you’re alive you’ll have to prepare for that next day and the one after that.

So respect reality.

Think as if you have a future, because that’s where you’re going to spend the rest of your life.

10.   THERE IS A HELL, AND IT STARTS EARLY.

People create their own personal hell with moral shortcuts, regrets about lost opportunities, resentment, and guilt. Then they add jealousy and envy, and they’ve paid the toll to enter Hell’s suburbs.

What toll do they pay? They give up their peace of mind, and sometimes their self respect.

They trade it for short-term pleasure.

Those who avoid doing anything that requires effort - physical exercise or forgiving or doing something for someone else - grow more narrow and less flexible day by day.  Stunted ambition strangles their dreams and their enthusiasm dies.  By the time they enter “downtown Hell” they’ve got a bad attitude about most things in life. They complain and criticize because “life has let them down.” The truth is life didn’t let them down - they quit trying.

Pretty soon their immune system gets the message and then their physical afflictions begin - their relationships are desolate and life becomes an ordeal. They start looking and acting older than they really are.

When these people look ahead, the future looks just like the past. Stretching on and on, day after unhappy day.

And that is truly Hell.

11.   YOU CAN CREATE PARADISE ON EARTH.  MANY PEOPLE DO.

You can make your life sweeter bit by bit. It doesn’t take much, just some daily practice.

Spend some time in solitude each day renewing your peace of mind.  Invest in good memories by managing your behavior so that you enjoy looking back on your life.

You create your Heaven by small acts of generosity to others, making them smile and feel better.

You create it by little acts of courage - doing the right thing when no one but you will ever know you did it.

By making promises to yourself and keeping them, which builds your self-respect.  You create it by telling the truth even if it’s inconvenient or embarrassing. It makes you careful about what you do, or what you commit to doing. And that brings credibility and trust. And most important, you will know you’re liked for who you are instead of for some lie you’re living.

You’re in Heaven’s neighborhood when you notice the amazing number of things in life there are to be grateful for, especially as your gratitude becomes a constant part of your being.

Humans are the most flexible beings on this planet, and you build Heaven by stretching sometimes to try something new or a little scary.

Your reward is learning that you are more than you thought.

And you can always stretch more.

As you become older your personal Heaven becomes a bigger influence on those around you. Your life will expand faster than your physical abilities contract.  You will laugh a lot more than most people, and enjoy more contentment and peace than you ever thought possible. And it just keeps getting better and better.  If you choose to follow this path, you’ll be in Paradise long before you leave this life.

12.   IT’S NEVER TOO LATE TO CHANGE.

Everyone alive gets the same amount of time. 1440 minutes a day. 168 hours in each week. As long as you live. The only difference is in how you spend those hours.  You decide how to spend your time and you make that choice each minute.

You can begin to turn your life around in a second.

The only thing you need to do is decide to make it better. You can start to change immediately, beginning with a simple act and letting the acts pile up on each other, creating the change almost effortlessly.

You know the scriptural quote, “By their deeds you shall know them?” It was talking about us. It doesn’t really matter much what we think or what we intend, until the thought is expressed as action.

The quality of our lives comes from what we actually do.

Experience comes in moments - and the moments will keep coming for you until they finally stop. Each moment is a gift, and the chance to make your life different comes to you during each one of them.

Each of these “Facts” boils down to a single principle.

Decide

You can decide how your life will go during any moment you choose. This may be that moment.

It’s okay to dream big. Where do you want to go from here? How do you want your next moments to be? It’s up to you.

Golf Tips

Efficiency is impossible without action.  Here are 10 verbs, or actions, that will make you more efficient in life.

It is more than probable that the average man could, with no injury to his health, increase his efficiency fifty percent.
- Walter Scott

1. Practice – Practice makes perfect… at least that’s what they say.  While you may never quite meet your own personal expectations for perfection, practice will make you more efficient at whatever you do.  Always remember, if the activity is the art, practice is the science of improving the art.
2. Rest – If you have ever tried to bench press heavy weight you know that the 1st set is much easier than the 2nd.  This is because your muscles are 100% rested before the 1st set.  Now substitute your mind for your muscles.  If it never gets proper rest, it will not be capable of operating at full capacity on the 1st set… let alone the 2nd and 3rd.
3. Think – The act of thinking sparks creativity, and creativity is one of the primary sources for increased efficiency.  Unhindered thought will lead us in new directions and open doors that were once hidden.  Only after we think about it will we truly realize what we are missing.
4. Walk – A moderate paced walk provides exercise for the body and stimulation for the mind.  It gets our blood moving and frees our thoughts from the restrictions of a static environment.  A regular routine of walking will make you more efficient at being alive.
5. Read – Close to 50% of all communication is in written form.  With that said, could anyone possibly learn at an efficient pace without reading?  The answer is no… so learn to enjoy the act of reading, and read as much as you can.
6. Prepare – Without suitable preparation and organization our actions are merely a shot in the dark.  If we want to stand a chance at attaining our goals we must prepare ourselves to efficiently deal with the obstacles that lay ahead.
7. Focus – If you never focus clearly on something, you will never be 100% efficient at anything.  Multi-tasking might seem to make you efficient at getting multiple tasks done at once, but it usually reduces your efficiency in dealing with each individual task.  This ultimately results in a reduced overall performance output.
8. Start – Well begun is half done.  Nothing could be closer to the truth.  Some of the greatest ideas ever thought never made it.  Why?  Because the genius behind the idea failed to take action.  Just remember, no action results in a 100% failure rate, or an efficiency rate of zero.
9. Listen – If you don’t listen to others you will live a lifetime of talking to yourself.  Not only will you continuously be unaware of what is going on, but nobody will want to speak with you either.  The most complex problems are solved by groups of people who communicate efficiently with one another.  If you don’t listen, you will be left behind.
10. Fail – Failure is the first step toward success.  Most people don’t get it right the first time.  Many people fail to get it right the first 5 times.  Remember, strong-willed persistence always eclipses failure.  It may take more than one swing to compose an efficient hit, so don’t give up on strike #1.  Instead, interpret each failure as a lesson on the road to victory.